Mind your minimal pairs!!

The Manager

YMC Hotel, London

Roma, 28 september
Dear Signore Direttore,

Now I am tella you story wot I was a-treated at your hotella.I am a-comma from Roma as tourist to London and stay as a youngs christian man at your hotella. When I comma my room I soe there is no shit in my bed-how can I sleep with no shit in my bed? So I calla down to receptions and tella.
“I wanna shit” They tella me: Go to toilet. “No,no I wanna shit in my bed.”
They say “You'd betta not shit in your bed, you sonna-wa-bitch!”
“What is sonna-wa-bitch?
I go down for breakfast into ristorante. I order bacon and egges, and two pissis of toast. I get only one pissa of toast. I tella waitress. “I wanna piss” She tella me: “Go to toilet”
No, no I wanna piss on my plate.” The she say to me: “You'd bloody wella not on the plate, you soona-wa-bitch”
That is the second person that do not even know me call me “soona-wa-bitch”, and why is your staff replying “Go to the toilet”, is that a modern tella? I do not understand, please tella me!
Later I go for dinner in your ristorante. Spoon and knife is laid out, but no fock, I tella waitress. “I wanna fock” and she tella me “Sure, everyone wanna fock”
“No, you don't understanda me, I wanta fock on the table”
She tella me “You sonna-wa-bitch wanna fock on the table? Get your ass out of here!
How comma this christian hotel tella the guest in such bed manner?
So I go to reseptioni and ask for bill. I no wanna stay in this hotel no more. When I have paid the a-billa the porter say to me: “Thank you, and piss on You” I say “Piss on you too, you sonna-wa-bitch, I now go back to Italy.”
Direttori, I never gonna stay in your hotelli no more, you sonna-wa-bitch!